Don't make me hate you.

How many times do I have to tell you to quit it?
From my power, you've taken every bit.
You've thrown me against the wall. My head's been hit.
Can't you see I can't take this anymore? Don't you see it?
I'm really finding some hate for you, so just can it!

This is to a girl from school who told me to burn in hell.

Rach, my sister...

Fanpop is receiving thanks from me. The reason why is since that's where Rachel and I first starting speaking to each other. Also where we first decided we were going to be sisters. I remember we were talking about Michael Jackson and his music, then Heath Ledger and his acting, and other music. That's when we started speaking on Formspring, when she had a Christina Aguilera picture for her main picture and a Michael Jackson (from the BAD video) as her background. I really don't know how I remember that. Haha.
Later on, there was this "Sister" thing that some MJ fan suggested on doing and she made a spot for it. I remember Rachel saying how much she disliked that idea and how stupid it was. I can't stop laughing as I think back on this. It's just funny. Then I asked if we could be sisters and she said yes. Lmao! I'm really happy that fan suggested on that idea or we probably wouldn't be sisters.
When I was on that spot, I asked a question suggesting that for each sisters, there should be a spot. So Rachel and I made a spot when I was named as "Vexi". Our spot was called "Vexel". Now that I look back, I really miss that spot. I really, really do!
Rachel was supposed to come to my home state this Christmas break, but that was cancelled due to her dad's work schedule. I'm not mad, just depressed about it. I was so happy that she was coming that I didn't even think of what I wanted for Christmas. Instead of Christmas, she said she might ask him about Spring break. I hope she can, I really want to meet my best friend.
Rachel is my best friend, even though we've never met. No friend from school has actually ever listened to my cries and tried their best giving me all the advice they could give. Rachel has. She cheers me up and makes me laugh. She's hilarious and she's crazy. Not bad crazy, but the crazy that makes people laugh. Whoever hates on her or doesn't like her, well I just want to say, they're missing out, because Rachel is a sweet, beautiful, friendly, and helpful person. She's there. Her and Lisa Marie are tied of who I want to meet the most. Lmao. I love you, Rach, my sister. :]

What being a fan means.

It's sort of funny that I'm over here trying to explain what it means to be a fan of Michael. It's hard to find words and phrases to describe. But I really want to try. I'm curious if I can explain at all.
Well being a fan of Michael, I'm a completely inspired person. It means that my heart is in helping out now and I really want to help out more often and be apart of organizations that help with the planet and people. It means that we're inspired by a beautiful man, that he's pretty much the reason we see the world we do today.

I'm inspired more in singing and in writing music by Michael. Being a fan, it means that we have a soul for music. That we have a true heart for music. Michael showed us what music truly is and means. It means, as fans, that we know it now. And we know what soul is.

Michael showed us how it looks like to love being on stage and to not be able to stop dancing. It means that most of us are interested in dancing by what we see of him on stage.

Being a fan of Michael means that we love him not because everyone surrounding us does. We love him because we truly, from the bottom of our hearts, do. It means we defend him from harsh people who throw stones. We don't rest until it's cleared. We don't give up. We don't believe anything the media says of him without researching it. We know what Michael says about music, the planet, the media, Sony, and the stone-throwers.

We know.

Kalyn, my sister...

Kalyn is not the troll everyone labels her as. She has told me a million times she doesn't troll and of course, yes, I believe her! Because she's my sister. She's one of my best friends. She's totally trustworthy, because I've told her so much and she's never told anyone. I can trust her with anything. Now, I'm really getting sick of everyone saying there's proof from just http://www.formspring.me/------/question/------. I know they can say that a trillion times that it's proof, but if you really think about it, it's not. There's no solid proof to it. That troll can be anybody. It could be me! (Which it's definitely not. Just making a point here.) And the things that troll says doesn't sound like Kalyn at all. She would never say those nasty words. Kalyn has sense, y'know!
Well, out of that mess, Kalyn is my sister. She is a best friend. She is important to me. She is sweet. She is amazing. I love her, and as she'd say "No homo." Haha. She's always there for me. When I feel down, she knows it by my style of typing. So she cheers me up the best she can. That's how caring she is. And to show her I appreciate it, I'm there for her. I always will be. I'll never let anyone hurt her or insult her and get away with it. It's the honest truth. That's why I got in that huge fight some days ago when most were insulting her and naming her as a troll. I wouldn't take it. I couldn't.
I wrote this because Kalyn wrote something about me. (Well when I was Lisvana.) I think it's one of the most sweetest things anyone's ever said about me. It's so sweet and I completely love the writing from the bottom of my heart. Thank you Kalyn for the writing and being there for me! :]

Feeling bad? Ah... no.

This place is a much better place to help my feeling. I actually feel comfortable talking out since there's hardly anyone. Just me and her. But I do miss the other, I just couldn't stay. I wonder if I'll feel better after I talk to her today. I'll write again later.

I do feel my heart's feeling more safe.. more loving.. more like it will stay alive. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I not feel dark? No. I'm still the same, just not as much after I talked. I talked about this harsh, harsh beast with her, how much those stones the beast threw painfully hurt while they were cut through my skin. We spoke how I'd deal with it. I suggested that I'd ask Greg how to survive.

Greg said I shouldn't worry about everything I missed. Greg will get me to catch up on Monday morning. I bet the others won't even care about my disappearance at all... so I'll be left alone once more...

Then leaving with my dad, we were singing on the way back. He said that I could sing Shania Twain, especially "From This Moment On". But I was.. I felt totally better after talking with her and I loved singing. It always makes me better.

Get Me Out.

Here. All alone. I'm losing...
My mind. Just wanting to leave.
This hell is not help. It's worse.
It's making me worse.
It's making my thoughts... deepen...

{Chorus}
Get me out! Get me out of here!
Help me out! Help me out of hell!
Mama, won't you saaave me?
Won't you help me out and get me ouuut?

The phone is two million miles away
And so.. are.. youuuuu...
Why won't you call already?
I would, but I'm not allooowwwweeeeedddd...

{Chorus again}

Maaaaamaaaaa, please do something!
This is not the darkness I like!

Aaahhhh...

I can't stay any longer.
This clock can't tick any slower..

Maaaammmaaaa, where are you now?
Can't you see I need you... NOW!

{Chorus again}

I was enchanted to meet him.

Yesterday afternoon


My mom left to talk to my dad. It was just me in the room. No voices. Exactly how my place is in my mind, but that's darker. Much darker. No windows. No doors. Just a hard concrete floor. Dark, unbreakable walls. Is she going to get me help? Did she say yes? Did she agree to the cost? If she did, I love you, Mom. You really want to help me.

If I do go, what will it be like? I picture the place in my mind. It's utterly dark. It looks lonely with only very few depressed people who admire writing the way I do. Writing is our best friend.. We can write all day long. We could write to each other and not talk. I see this place like my home. Can I stay here longer, Mom?

Yesterday evening


Mom? Mom? Mom?! Let me call her. Please! Even if it's important? No? Why not? I hate this place. It's not the dark place I like. It's not what I imagined. I'm hurting, I have to have someone so close to me so I won't harm myself! I had to sign a paper! A paper that said I wouldn't do so!! What the hell is a piece of paper going to do?! I'll call someone an effin' hoe just to get out of here! This is hell! Please Mom, hear me, sense that I'm in danger. Come back and save me! I figured out where my home is, okay? I realized it's wherever you are and that's why I hate being here. I want to talk to you, Mom. I want to tell you, "Mom, come get me. I hate it here. It's hell and no one really cares!" I was just crying and no one even noticed until I told them I yearn for an open ear that'll listen. Get me out of here or I really will harm!

Today morning


They wanted me to draw blood! I demanded no! I hate this place even more!

Today evening


My day has turned a little better. I didn't know where I was walking to though. I didn't know what I had to do. She just told me I was going somewhere to check if I am healthy. Turned out, the thing inside me to keep me alive is perfectly healthy. I have no reason to think otherwise. But the main thing is, when I first set foot in this place I thought is hell, I saw some good in it. A boy, a male, a guy. He's beautiful, he's gorgeous, and he has a sweet, soft voice. He's nice and he smiled at me. Not because of a stupid joke, but for what I said.. his smile is flawless. It really is perfect. I wish to speak to him again. But girls and guys, I think, are separated until like 6. I can still picture his smile in my mind. He has a spark. More beautiful than any firework. More interesting than any firework. He noticed me.. and I don't think it's because he had to...